Chapter 1 Tool
Change, Conflict, and You
Self-Assessment

We experience change on many different fronts, including self, home, work, and congregation. When we undergo intense changes in our own life and health, we will surely be more anxious and on edge. Too much change can overwhelm anyone. 

As leaders, what is happening in our lives can have an effect on our congregations. We need to explore the changes in our lives—both positive and negative—and how they affect us. When we understand the impact of change in our lives, we can have a clearer understanding of change and its influence in the congregational system.

List all the changes that are happening in your life and answer the questions for each of the following categories. Under changes for yourself, you might include a change in weight, health, or feelings about your life. Home changes might include a child going off to college or a death in the family. Congregational changes could be a drop in membership, the hiring of a new staff member, or a change to the traditional liturgy.

List changes happening in your life, with yourself:

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

• Why do you think these changes are happening?
• How did these changes occur? Were the changes anticipated 
or unanticipated?
• What thoughts and feelings do you have about these changes? Do they cause stress?
• How might you deal with the stress caused by these changes?
List changes happening in your home:

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

• Why do you think these changes are happening?
• How did these changes occur? Were they anticipated or unanticipated?
• What thoughts and feelings do you have about the changes?
• How might you deal with the stress caused by these changes?

List changes happening in your work:

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

• Why do you think these changes are happening?
• How did these changes occur? Were they anticipated or unanticipated?
• What feelings do you have about the changes?
• How might you deal with the stress caused by these changes?

List changes happening in your congregation:

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

• Why do you think these changes are happening?
• How did these changes occur? Were they anticipated or unanticipated?
• What thoughts and feelings do you have about the changes?
• How might you deal with the stress caused by these changes?

Closing thought
Do you find any connections between conflicts that you have experienced personally because of change and conflicts caused by change in your congregation? 

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 1 Tool 
Hooks and Hot Spots
Self-Assessment

Start by reading Galatians 1:6-24. Paul had a hot spot that caused his anger to rise. What’s happening here? Why do you think Paul reacted with such strong language?
We all have hooks and hot spots that have potential to draw us into conflict. Sometimes our temperature rises because something that is happening now reminds us of a problem from the past that we have never healed from. When we are aware of these things, we have better control over them and over our responses.

1. Read the list of words on page 94. Circle all the words that elicit an emotion in you. 

2. Then draw a star next to those words that produce the strongest emotions in you. What emotions do you feel? Do you know why you react that way? 

3. Identify your feelings and what triggers them. Strong negative emotions often are rooted in the past. Can you associate a past event with the words that produce negative emotions in you?

4. Think about the way your feelings about past events affect your leadership in the congregation.

How do you react to these words?

Abusive
AIDS
Alcoholic
Alienation
Alzheimer’s disease
Ambulance
Anger
Anxiety
Baptism
Boundaries
Cancer
Change
Church
Combat
Communication
Conflict
Control
Counseling
Death
Deceit
Denial
Depression
Discrimination
Domination
Drugs
Evil
Faith
Fear
Fight
Forgiveness
God
Gossip
Grief
Hate
Holy Communion
Homosexuality
Hospitalization
Illness
Insecurity
Jesus Christ
Judgmental
Laughter
Lies
Love
Manipulation
Panic
Power
Rape
Rejection
Repentance
Respect
Responsibility
Secrecy
Sex
Sexism
Sorrow
Suicide
Trust
Vision
Vulnerability
War
Weakness

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 2 Tool
Bible Study on Matthew 18
Group Exercise

Use this tool to study the meaning of forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation in the body of Christ.

1. Matthew 18 is a directive regarding how we should act as the people of God when there are conflicts and dissension among us. Read the following segments of the chapter and list the central idea of each passage.

Matthew 18:1-5
Matthew 18:6-9
Matthew 18:10-14
Matthew 18:15-20
Matthew 18:21-22
Matthew 18:23-35

2. What progression do you see in these passages? What is their relationship to each other?

3. What do you see as Jesus’ central message to us in the whole of Matthew 18?

4. How does your community currently reflect the directive given to us in Matthew 18? Do you exhibit direct communication with one another? Is there a tendency to gossip before approaching an offending party?

5. Are there ways that you can grow in your community life under the directive of Matthew 18? If so, what are they?

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 2 Tool
Generational Values in Your Congregation
Group Exercise

Begin by reading Genesis 17:1-8. Then pray together: 

Lord, we give you thanks for the promise that you gave to Abraham. We thank you also for blessing us with the many generations that come together to worship and praise your name here in our congregation. May we continue to celebrate the diversity of viewpoints and life experiences that we each bring to your church on earth. Empower us to use our individual gifts so that we might serve you and build up your church into the next generation and beyond. Amen

To a large degree, our values are based on the historical context in which we were raised. Our worldview and the values we developed in our youth affect us throughout our lives.

Take time as individuals to answer the following questions. Share your responses and perceptions in the large group. The facilitator for this discussion might refer to Generations: The History of America’s Future, 1584 to 2069, by Neil Howe and William Strauss (New York: William Morrow, 1991) or visit their Web site at www.fourthturning.com for more information on the characteristics of the generations.

Generation and Birth Years
G.I.: 1901–1924
Silent: 1925–1942
Boomer: 1943–1960
13th generation: 1961–1981
Millennial: 1982–200?

1.	I am a part of the ___________________________ generation.

2.	Think of a TV or radio show from your youth. What values were portrayed

3.	What was the pace of life? What was done for leisure? 

4. What was the dominant method of mass communication (radio, TV, the Internet, and so on)?

5. What were the dominant views on family when you were 10 years old?

6. What major world events occurred during your youth? How did they influence the future?

7. What was the dominant view of the church during your youth?

8. What were the dominant views on money, work, responsibility, and possessions as you grew up? 

9. What values are now held widely by members of your generation?

10. Are any values from different generations in opposition to each other?

11.What have you discovered within your group about the links between generations and values?

12. As people of God, how might we use generational differences as assets rather than as things that divide us?

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 3 Tool
Conflict and Your Family of Origin
Self-Assessment and Group Exercise

Use this tool during a committee or council meeting. Or use it at a council retreat to reflect upon the views of conflict you learned in your family of origin. Reflect individually on the questions first, then share responses in pairs. Finally, share what you have learned with the larger group. This process will take approximately one hour.
Respect personal boundaries during your discussion. No one should be required to speak if they are uncomfortable.

1.	Think of several conflicts that occurred within your family while you were growing up. Jot them down. 

2.	How was conflict viewed in your family of origin?

3.	How was conflict handled or resolved? If possible, give an example of a resolution for one of the conflicts you listed above.

4.	How does your family of origin’s way of dealing with conflict affect you today? 

5.	Has your method of handling conflict changed as you have matured? If so, how?

6.	Within your group, are there any extreme differences in the way conflict was handled in the family of origin or in the way individuals deal with conflict today? If so, what are these differences? 

7.	How might your differences or similarities in handling conflict affect the dynamics of your group?

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 3 Tool
Personal Concerns and the Congregation
Self-Assessment for Lay Leaders

As leaders, we need to be aware of not only what is happening in the congregation but also what is happening in our lives at the moment. Sometimes we might get overwhelmed with congregational conflicts and carry them home. Other times we might have an argument with a spouse or child and carry that into the congregation. Neither situation is healthy.

1. Take time to reflect on your current personal concerns using the chart on page 100. Concerns would include the challenges of daily life that we struggle hard to either overcome or avoid.

2. At any point have personal concerns affected your leadership in the congregation? If so, how? What might you have done to keep your personal issues at home?

3. Have concerns from the congregation ever affected your personal life? If so, how? What might you have done to change that?

4. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low and 10 being high, what is your current level of stress and anxiety? How do you feel your current stress level is impacting your effectiveness as a leader in the congregation?

	Major concerns for you	
Congregation

		
Family
Any concerns as a son or daughter, sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, and so on.		
Finances

		
Friends

		
Health

		
Home

		
Leisure activities

		
Neighborhood and community

		
Work

		
World issues

		

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 3 Tool
Personal Concerns and the Congregation
Self-Assessment for Pastors

Pastors are at great risk for burnout and self-abuse. We often think that the call to serve God should take priority over everything else, including health and emotional welfare. However, when we are depleted in one area of our life, it begins to show up in others.

1. Read 1 Timothy 3:1-13.
• What does Paul list as qualifications for a congregational leader?
• How qualified to serve do you feel at the moment?
• Why does Paul connect congregational leadership and personal life? 
• What connections do you see between your home life and your congregational leadership? 

2. Take time to reflect on your current personal concerns.
• How stressful is your life at the moment? Do you have feelings of being overwhelmed? Are there similar issues in your home life and congregational life?
• How would you rate your current church life? What emotions do you have regarding your church life?
• How would you rate your current personal life? What emotions do you have regarding your personal life?
• Is there balance in your life or are you depleted in some area?

3. Fill out the chart on page 102.
• Note major concerns or issues facing you in each area, any ways these concerns impinge upon your work, and possible solutions.

	Major concerns for you	Ways this impinges on your work	Possible solutions	
Congregation

				
Family
Any concerns as a son or daughter, sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, and so on.				
Finances

				
Friends

				
Health

				
Home

				
Leisure activities

				
Neighborhood and community

				
Work

				
World issues

				

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 4 Tool
Congregational Conflict Monitor
Group Exercise

Read these two sets of passages on living in the light: 
	John 8:12-15
	1 John 1:5-10

What the leaders of your congregation think and how they want the congregation to change is critical for moving from the darkness into the light. Use this tool to identify the feelings of your congregational leaders about the current status of the 
congregation.

Ask the group for their ratings on the following items. Use large sheets of paper to chart the average of the responses. Note if there are large variations in the responses. Use a 1-to-5 scale to rate the following: 1 = strongly disagree, and 5 = strongly agree.

1. We have had a high rate of conflict in our congregation.
1	2	3	4	5

2. There always seems to be conflict in our congregation.
1	2	3	4	5

3. Our leaders perceive the same amount of conflict within our congregation.
1	2	3	4	5

4. Our leaders agree on a method to handle conflict within our congregation.
1	2	3	4	5

5. We lost more than five members over the last major congregational conflict.
1	2	3	4	5

6. Over the past five years, we lost more than 10 members over conflict issues.
1	2	3	4	5

7. Over the past five years, we have taken in more members than we have lost.
1	2	3	4	5

8. We are good at resolving our congregational conflicts.
1	2	3	4	5

9. As a congregation, we need to better develop our communication skills.
1	2	3	4	5

10. As Christians, we should be able to live together with fewer conflicts.
1	2	3	4	5

11. Our congregational conflicts focus on the same themes and issues.
1	2	3	4	5

12. Our leaders maintain support of group decisions once decisions are made.
1	2	3	4	5

13. We tend to deny conflict when it exists in our congregation.
1	2	3	4	5

14. It embarrasses me that disagreements occur in our congregation.
1	2	3	4	5

15. When we seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we can work out our differences.
1	2	3	4	5

Discussion
Your ratings on these items indicate how you perceive conflict in your congregation. These ratings also suggest what your leadership group and congregation can work on. 

• What do you see as areas for improvement? (Do you need to deal with how to handle conflict? Is there a need for better communications?)
• What would you need to feel more empowered to deal with conflict? If you learn to break past dysfunctional patterns, change can begin to occur.

Conflict usually is a faith issue at the root: Are we trusting God? Are we trusting others? Are we trying to overpower God and others? If we do trust in God, we can resolve conflicts and learn to live in the light.

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 5 Tool 
Defining Self in Community
Group Exercise

Most people have been so ingrained in their style of communicating that they may not recognize it as being unfair at times. This exercise could be used as part of a council retreat or general meeting to identify unfair communication techniques and teach fair techniques.

Our communications are more effective and honest when we speak for ourselves and state our opinion. People may not agree with us, but at least they will know what we think. The more we define ourselves in our conversation, the less likely we are to use unfair communication techniques by speaking for others or unfairly pulling in third parties to back us.

Review the following statements. Which statements define self? Put a check in the “S” column for self-defining.

Statements that are not self-defining often seek to control or define others. Which statements seek to define others? Put a check in the “O” column for others. What do you suppose is the intent behind the “O” statements? What other guidelines for fair communications are being broken with the “O” statements?

Rewrite the “O” statements to make them more self-defining and fair.
Sample “S” statement: It’s just my opinion, but I think we should canvass the community at Christmas and Easter to try and attract new members. 
Sample “O” statement: Pastor, you didn’t visit my father when he was in the hospital, and he’s very upset. 

1.	Pastor, you didn’t visit my father when he was in the hospital, and he’s very upset.

S_______	O_______

2.	It’s just my opinion, but I think we should canvass the community at Christmas and Easter to try and attract new members.

S_______	O_______

3.	Several of us have discussed the hymns we’ve sung these past few weeks, and we want easier hymns that the congregation can actually sing.

S_______	O_______

4. Rumor has it that the congregation council wants to buy that vacant lot next to the church and build an addition. Don’t you think we should do something about it before they get too far?

S_______	O_______

5. Nobody wants to change the way we do communion. We’re all used to it this way.

S_______	O_______

6. I believe that worship is the central thing that we do as a church. It’s where I come to be fed each week.

S_______	O_______

7. I love to hear the children’s choir sing in church. They add 
such vitality to the service.

S_______	O_______

8. I can run this committee any way I see fit!

S_______	O_______

9. If we could only change the attitude of certain people in this congregation we wouldn’t have any trouble. Maybe they should start listening to the sermon each week!

S_______	O_______

10. We can’t have youth dressed like that in church! Whatever happened to the days of respect for God and dressing up for church?

S_______	O_______

11. When I was in the church office, I happened to notice an anonymous note on the secretary’s desk complaining about the length of today’s service. So, what are you going to do about it?

S_______	O_______

12. The shut-ins are upset since they haven’t been visited in months. I called around to check on some of them and they were all complaining.

S_______	O_______

13. While I know there may be some debate, I think it’s time to consider adding a contemporary service to our schedule.

S_______	O_______

14. You just don’t understand the members of this church the way that I do!

S_______	O_______

15. I disagree with letting that group use our church hall each week.

S_______	O_______

16. Oh, that’s just the way she always reacts to things. We just ignore her around here.

S_______	O_______

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 6 Tool 
African Bible Study Method
Group Exercise

The African Bible Study Method, also called “Lambeth,” focuses on meditative study and letting the passage speak to you on an emotional level. There is no discussion of the sharing, just acceptance and reflection.

The following passages might be helpful for those 
dealing with conflicted situations:

Matthew 18:15-20
Church discipline

Mark 4:35-41
Jesus stills the storm

Luke 6:27-36
Love your enemies

Luke 12:1-3
Secrets uncovered

Luke 15:1-7
The lost sheep

John 13:31-35
The commandment to love

John 14:15-17, 25-27
The coming of the Spirit

Romans 12:1-8
Transformation in Christ

1 Corinthians 1:26-31
Boast only in Christ

2 Corinthians 4:1-7
The power is God’s

Colossians 3:12-17
Live in Jesus’ name

James 1:19-27
Do God’s word

Select a Bible passage for group study and meditation and use the following format.

1. Read the passage out loud. 
• Reflection: Identify the word or phrase with which you connect. What touches you? 
• Share your word or phrase with the group.

2. Read the passage out loud again. 
• Reflection: How does this passage connect with your life today?
• Share your reflection with the group.

3. Read the passage out loud again. 
• Reflection: How is God inviting me to change in what I’ve heard or shared? 
• Share your reflection with the group.

4. Join hands for a circle prayer. 
Each person prays for the one on his or her right and that person’s shared learnings or concerns.

The African Bible Study Method was used by the African Delegation to the Lambeth Conference of the Anglican Church in 1996.

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use. 

Chapter 7 Tool 
Forgiveness Discussion and Liturgy
Group Exercise

Note to leader: Seat your group in a circle for this exercise.
Discussion
Read the following verses aloud:
• Matthew 18:21-22
• Luke 6:37-38
• Luke 23:34

Take time to reflect on and discuss the following:
• What do the biblical texts tell us about forgiveness?
• What does forgiveness mean to you?
• How do you know when someone forgives you? What are the signs?
• How do you go about forgiving someone for a wrong done to you? 
• Does it make a difference to you if the wrong was done intentionally or unintentionally?
• How can we strive to make forgiveness a way of life? What steps might we take, personally and as leaders?

Confession
All take hands around the circle.

LEADER: God of Grace, our days are filled with many things, including the need to forgive those who have wronged us and the need to be forgiven by others for injuries that we have committed—both intentionally and unintentionally. We ask that you would fill us with your Spirit so that our desire for personal repentance is pure and true. We ask that you also fill us with a desire to live a life of grace toward those around us so that we might more freely express forgiveness to those who hurt us. In Jesus’ name. Amen

I ask all gathered around this circle of fellowship, do you earnestly ask God to forgive you the wrongs that you have committed? 

PEOPLE: With a penitent heart, I ask God to forgive my wrongs, both intentional and unintentional.

Absolution
Bow your heads and close your eyes for a moment of silent prayer.

The leader squeezes the hand of a person next to him or her. Then that person looks up and the leader pronounces the words of forgiveness: “Jesus forgives you and so do I.” The leader will bow his or her head and the newly forgiven person will repeat the act to their neighbor, then bow his or her head. Go around the circle in this manner. When you are finished going around the circle, take time for silent group reflection.

LEADER: God of grace and mercy, we thank you for the love you have for each one of your children which lights our way even when we are lost and confused. Empower us with your Holy Spirit so that we may follow your example and strive to live lives of daily grace and forgiveness—in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Our Community: Dealing with Conflict in Our Congregation, copyright © Augsburg Fortress. May be reproduced for local use.